“But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” (Matthew 6:33)
*****
07.30 AM – Heal me, Lord…
Still the same morning blues. I prayed and told GOD that I really wanted to get better, to find peace again, to live. I wanted to find the answers to the questions about myself. And only He can help me through the Holy Spirit.
*****
03.00 PM – The better days are when things are all flat
The emotional chaos is gone. It is now a calm sea – calm sea and dead silence. My best friend asked me how I was doing and I told her that this was one of the better days, when I felt nothing and everything was just flat. A progress nonetheless, she said. Well, it is – I think more clearly and can focus more on my work. But still, the questions from previous contemplations are waiting for answers.
*****
05.30 PM – Seek and you will find
For a long time, I’ve been falling in and out of a void where my soul is overwhelmed with deep emptiness and longings I haven’t quite comprehended before. I read all kinds of wise words, but did not really grasp the meaning. When it is said: ‘Only GOD can fill the emptiness in our hearts’, what does it really mean? Or, when you feel down and then somebody reminds you to ’seek first His kingdom’, what does that mean?
I browsed around at RBC’s to find any counselling article that would help me. And then, I found one on guilt. I decided to read it through, because I felt that my problem had something to do with guilt.
Then, I found that the real term for what I’ve been feeling is ’self imposed guilt’ and that my depression is an onion. I have to peel it layer by layer to find the real cause of it, my real problem. The real problem is simple. But, what got me to this point of depression was a complex combination of childhood experiences, group pressures, and self expectations.
I spent my childhood under heavy pressure from a brother who wanted nothing other than to feel better about himself by trying to put me down. He spent his childhood under heavy pressure from a father who compared him all the time to his little sister. He was victimized and took it out on me. I was smarter and my school report book was filled with flying colors. But, once I only managed to be second best in the class, he would critisize me terribly enough to make me cry and felt I didn’t measure up. Funny, considering his grades were pretty much below mine and he never could manage even a top ten.
I should have stood up to him. I should have, right? But, my submissive mother would ask me to yield, because I was supposed to be the wiser, the smarter, and the kinder one. A wise and kind person does not fight over ridiculous things. I remember how I used to badly want to tell my brother that he was wrong and he was bad, but my mother always prevented me to.
I grew up shaped and trained to subconsciously try to win people’s approval, to be accepted, to be liked, to be wise and kind, to be what everybody should see and expect. And when people dislike me, some out of envy and jealousy, I am still the same little girl and those people become what my brother used to be. I never was taught to love freely and give freely. I was trained to love and give so that people would love and give back.
But the worst part is, despite all the Bible study and my mother’s examples of Christian living, I never really learned how to walk with GOD in life. I have been secretly distrusting Him and trying to do things my way and independent of Him. All the hardship that He has allowed me to go through has made me feel angry, although subconsciously, and has made it difficult for me to fully trust Him with decisions in life. I fear that what He wants for me is more suffering. When people say that GOD will only let you suffer what you can bear, it dreads me. I fear that GOD will put more sufferings because I am strong. And because of all that, I have not been able to trust Him fully with my life. I have not been able to come to Him with my petitions and say sincerely from the bottom of my heart ‘Thy will be done’. And therefore, I rebelled against Him and seek from people the fulfillment of my longings. I have substituted GOD with: boyfriends, friends, work, hobbies – things that will never be able to fill the void only GOD can fill.
There. I have seek and I have found. My problem is idolatry - distrusting GOD. Now, comes the time for that difficult training to learn how to trust Him completely, to depend on Him fully. Perhaps, I will still stumble on the way. But, now, I am starting from a point further than before with this knowledge.
The peace I have been trying to find has now descended on my heart. Thank You, Lord.
*****
2 responses so far ↓
br0k3NsP1r1t2 // August 5, 2008 at 2:09 pm
I too feel deep depression. I can’t quite see a pattern to it, but I have identified it time and time again throughout my adult life. I am going through a period of depression right now as a matter of fact. But I know in time it will pass.
My younger sister suffered a severe brain injury when she was 6 (I was 7). She had to learn everything over again … to walk, to read, to speak … everything. It was a miracle she even survived. It was an event in our family history that changed my life forevermore. I don’t think it impacted my older brother and sister nearly as much as it impacted me, my parents, and of course my little sister. My brother was already living on his own and my older sister was almost 18 at the time. She had plenty of other distractions that she could escape too (not a pleasant story there, but it didn’t impact me much at the time) For the rest of us, our daily lives were centered around my younger sister’s needs, and this was so for years and years … and years and years.
To this day, my heart remains broken and torn for my younger sister’s situation in life. While I am able to attend college level courses in pursuit of my career goals and walk away with A’s and B’s, she receives few passing grades in her attempts to do so. She simply cannot comprehend at the level required to get a college degree. She will never earn a college degree as a result, and yet she perseveres. Currently she is taking online courses and while a part of me dreads the disappointment of her failing to achieve her goals yet again, there is another part of me that is cheering her on with great zeal and praying ever more fervently (literally begging and pleading!) for the Lord to bless her in this endeavor with a passing grade!
The tears that stream down my face are tears of deep anguish and hope … as they always are in all things now. Life does not get easier because we walk with the Lord. In my experience, it gets harder. I just endure it better because of His grace.
For most of my childhood, I was not happy as I was tormented inside with anger and unanswered questions. Anger that I could achieve so much so easily, and my younger sister had to work so hard at everything and get so little from it; Anger because I could not understand why God would let such a thing happen to a little kid; Anger because other kids would pick on her all the time and make her cry. And the whys! All those why questions!
I didn’t know how to deal with the emotional stress of it all. And this remained so until my early 30’s when I think I finally matured emotionally and spiritually enough to see it all from a very different perspective.
One very important lesson to note if you ever become a parent – if your family suffers a trauma (no matter what it is!) make sure your kids get professional counseling no matter how old they are. I desperately needed help in understanding all that I was feeling but could not express with words, and I desperately needed an outlet for all that negative energy that would build up inside me because of my lack of coping skills. I’m surprised I didn’t turn out to be a real mess. I’m surprised she didn’t turn out to be a real mess! If I had been a boy, I wonder if it might have been so for both of us. Testosterone is very different from estrogen!
One fact for sure – God had His hand upon us all, there is no doubt in my mind about that! Though I didn’t have the mental capacity to know it, let alone understand it, at the time.
Sometimes I wonder what our life would have been like if my parents hadn’t been Christians. I thank God from the bottom of my heart that this was not the case. My parents aren’t perfect, but they are not bad parents as a result either! They are loving, kind and generous and they have given everything of themselves to help their children – each and every one! Parenthood does not end when the child turns 18! No sir!
Indeed, I have been blessed with parents that have loved their children to the best of their ability, and continue to do so. And I praise God for this and I make sure my parents and my siblings know that I feel this way. I don’t put my parents on a pedestal, (well okay maybe I do just a little bit) but I don’t take any honor away from them either. They have earned my honor and my respect and I can’t help but look for ways to return the same love to them. Just loving them doesn’t seem enough as I never feel like I’ve satisfied my own expectations towards them in my desire to show them how much I love them.
If only I could take that same passion, drive and desire and put it towards God. The only explanation I have in falling so short of both is simply the fact that I’m a fallen creation living in a fallen world.
And then I find myself wondering how joyful it will be when I can fully experience what it’s like to give all my love to God, unhindered, unstained, untainted by SIN! I can’t possibly imagine what that would feel like! And to be satisfied in it??? It’s beyond all mortal comprehension!
But that is not to be while I remain in this fallen body, in this fallen world, in this mortal body. I have, only recently, come to believe that it is impossible to give myself fully, completely and wholly to my Creator. Sin nature just won’t let it be. I can’t be totally and completely sinless … I still have a sin nature! And I won’t be rid of it until the day my Lord and Savior returns, takes me home and makes me the new creation He has promised. Then! And only Then! will I be able to give myself wholly, completely and fully to Him. Until then, it will remain a struggle to do so.
I suspect when the bride of Christ is presented, it will be after all of God’s children have received their new immortal, unstained bodies. Seems only appropriate don’t you think?
With that in mind, I don’t think we can fully learn how to walk with Christ. And so, to think we can learn this fully from our parents, or anyone else for that matter, is an unrealistic expectation – I would venture to say. And yet this is the very thing so many Christians beat themselves up over because they can’t achieve it fully….. it’s like a dreadful catch twenty-two. I wonder how many Christians have left the faith because of their own “unrealistic” and “unhealthy” thinking processes in this one thing – i.e. being able to “fully” give ourselves to the Lord?
We should not assume that anyone knows “fully” how to do this. How can that be the case if it’s a life learning experience for all? Also, you are not your mother, or your father, or your brother or anyone else. You are you and you are unique, and that’s makes you different from everyone else. Therefore, there will be plenty that you will learn only in your own way. Perhaps it’s time for you to embrace that fact?
In my opinion, walking with Christ is most definitely one of those things at the top of list of things one can only learn in their own way by doing. Heed the advice of those whom you trust are spiritually mature … but embrace the idea of discovering the meaning of it all on your own. I don’t know how to describe the process otherwise, except to say that God knows your heart better than you do. He knows what it’s going to take to change you from the inside out, and He will never stop working towards that goal as long as you are willing.
And here’s another thought … because of our sin nature, it is only “natural” to distrust God. Whom do you know was born “trusting” God? If it’s possible, there must be some who were born that way … but I don’t think so. Maybe Jesus was born trusting the Heavenly Father? But anyone else? No. I don’t think its possible. If it were so, then it would seem we could remove the veil that blinds us ourselves….but we can’t. God had to remove the veil … i.e. the veil that was torn when Christ died on the cross – the veil that blinded us to Him. Oh yes… it had to be harder to die on the cross than for any of us to realize we are idolaters. But I could be all wrong about that.
I am amazed at the thought that Jesus gave Himself willingly. He did not struggle and try to break free from His captors. Nor did He lay down on the cross kicking and screaming and fighting …. like I would have! No. He “willingly” endured it all – all of it! In the whole scene, the only thing I can relate too is when He was in the Garden of Gethsemane praying for the cup to be removed. But I can’t even pray “Thy will be done” without some reservations about it! Oh yes, the spirit is willing but the flesh is most definitely weak! It will always be so … until He returns!
With each passing day, with each passing experience I walk through in life, I grow more and more excited in anticipating His return. I grow more and more excited about the prospect of what it will be like to be in my heavenly home with my Heavenly Father. And don’t you know … it’s not the happy experiences in life that bring that excitement of anticipation – nope – it’s the difficult times that I walk through that produce the most intense desires and wants of my heart in looking forward to all that Christ has in store. Never before in my life have I ever looked forward to death with such eager anticipation. It will be a release from the pains and hurts of this body and this world.
I hope when that day comes, I can face it with awesome grace that honors my Lord and Savior. To that end, I see every trial, every tribulation God puts before me as a prospect to grow, not only closer to Him, but to grow in His grace. All I have to do to accomplish that goal is to discern what it is I am to learn from my experiences in life and pray for the change to take place. I must always strive to make the change possible, but I honestly don’t think I can change everything about me that needs changing. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.
I have found that with the truths of God that I already know, it gets easier to discern what the lessons are. Knowing God’s will is not hard. Just read the Bible. Walking in God’s will … now that’s the true test of spiritual maturity and courage. It seems that with every layer of the onion that is peeled away from my fleshly existence, a covering of grace must take it’s place for me to be whole, and such a covering goes against everything that is “of this world”. It always will.
Stand up for yourself. It is not wrong to say “what you are doing is wrong and this is why …. “. It is healthy to do so. It is right to do so. And it can be done in a way that is not threatening to the hearer. Strive to discover how to do that. We all have to learn it. We don’t all choose to do so.
Your mother and father were probably brought up in a time and place that no longer exists in society and culture today. Don’t be harsh towards them because they are different. Strive to understand why they are the way they are. As long as both parties are alive, it’s never too late to build a better relationship. You need to take the first step in doing so … if for no other reason than because you understand that relationships are more precious than anything else on earth. Through relationships, we build opportunities to witness how our Lord and Savior really is. So you never know how God might use you to bring a soul to salvation. Such does not happen by prayer alone I suspect. Everyone who comes to Christ has stories about how people helped them come to Christ. Some may have been prayer warriors that were never known … this is true … but for sure, there were always some who actually were present when the seeds of truth were planted and watered and harvested! Which goes to show that you just can’t have the same impact from a distance. Still, there are times when distance and prayer are all that you can do. You will know when such a time as that comes along in a relationship.
Speak out against injustice. Speak up for truth, and vote for candidates who most closely align with what would please God. It’s the right thing to do.
brokensp1r1t // August 5, 2008 at 3:28 pm
Thank you for your encouragement. It is a blessing to have sisters in Christ to share how we walk with the LORD. I agree that we will never reach perfection in terms of our will, emotion, and mind in this sinful body and while living in this fallen world. It is a continuous and daily struggle to achieve a closer standing point to the likeness to Christ. We read through the Bible how the great servants of the LORD such as Job, Jeremiah, David, Jonah, and others struggled too. The book of Psalm is the clearest evidence; inside you find an emotional roller coaster journey of the authors. The main point is honesty with the LORD, even when we are angry, disappointed, and distrusting Him.
When you say that you are looking forward to death with such eager anticipation – how I am too! I’ve spoken to many of my Christian friends and one highlight of the changes we see happening in us is: We no longer fear death. In fact, we are looking forward to eternity with the LORD. Just like the Apostle Paul said: “For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.”
GOD bless!