Day 9: Just as I am

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
       your works are wonderful,
       I know that full well.” (Psalm 139:14)

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06:30 AM: The subconscious dimension

I dreamed a bad dream last night. It was about the one who broke my heart and the one I cannot make peace with out of jealousy. Well, it turns out that some things are still latent in my mind and it is obvious that I cannot escape from having to deal with them properly.

I prayed in my heart and told GOD that I wanted to deal with my loss and jealousy. I wanted to overcome the hurt and the negative thoughts. Denials just don’t work — that I’ve finally understood now. I need to confront my problem in order to solve it.

So help me, GOD.

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03.00 PM - I am not the only one

A search for some guides that can help me deal with my problem took me to a link containing an article about longings and singleness and what the author learned from it. It was so surprising to find that I could relate with what she wrote.

She wrote that seeing a woman with a baby in her arms, comfortably sipping coffee in a week-day morning, could be too much to bear that she cried. How she longed to be that woman. How I long to be that woman too, to have a family to come home to and share the good things and the bad with. But, she learned, as I’ve too learned from her, that GOD was teaching us courage to face life. The loneliness and disappointments He allows us to go through teach us to have faith in Him, to depend fully on Him, and to believe that He knows what’s best eventhough it hurts and we cannot understand it. And, what also really hit home was that she learned that when she was interested in someone, most of the time, she became less of herself and more of someone she was not. How I know how that feels — being someone unnatural and driven by people’s expectations and approvals. Well, she learned authenticity, she said. I have learned that too. We should be whom GOD intended us to be all the time, regardless of the people surrounding us. I need to be myself and be with people who accept me just as I am because trying to be someone I am not is life-choking. And, with GOD, I have nothing to conceal and can learn to be fully myself as He wants me to be. What’s more is I am ‘fearfully and wonderfully made‘ by GOD. I am special. Each one of us is.

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