Out in the wild, wild world!

Romance vs [True] Love

brokensp1r1t — Sun, 05 Oct 2008 17:04:13 +0000

“Now Isaac had come from Beer Lahai Roi, for he was living in the Negev. He went out to the field one evening to meditate, and as he looked up, he saw camels approaching. Rebekah also looked up and saw Isaac. She got down from her camel and asked the servant, “Who is that man in the field coming to meet us?”

“He is my master,” the servant answered. So she took her veil and covered herself.

Then the servant told Isaac all he had done. Isaac brought her into the tent of his mother Sarah, and he married Rebekah. So she became his wife, and he loved her; and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death.” (Genesis 24:62-67)

*****

I’ve been wondering for a long time about romantic love. Many experts say that it only lasts a few years and true love is much more than romance. It comprises of fidelity, dedication, commitment, and sacrifice.

I wonder what happened when Adam saw Eve – I mean, besides stating that she was “bone of his bone and flesh of his flesh”. Was it love at first sight? Were they nervous when they held hands for the first time? Did they get butterflies in their stomach? Did they tremble as they kissed for the first time? The Bible did not record anything of the sort – and it must be for a very good reason.

I tried to find love stories in the Bible. There are some, though not what I really expected to find. There was the story of Abram and Sarai. From what I read, Sarai was barren for a long time. Yet, Abram did not take a second wife until Sarai gave him Hagar. I take it as he loved her so much that he did not care she could not conceive for him. Also, he was a man of faith who believed in GOD’s promises – one of which was a child. Next, there was the story of Rebeccah and Isaac. Now, this one seems like love at first sight at least from Rebeccah’s side, if I dare to interpret freely. The Bible recorded that when she came, she saw Isaac walking in the prairie and after confirming who he was, she put on her veil. Virgins wore veils those days and my interpretation is she wanted to make sure Isaac knew she was eligible to be his wife. Later, the Bible recorded that Isaac took her to be his wife and loved her and was comforted after the loss of his mother. The story is incredible because GOD practically arranged the marriage. I don’t know any other story in the Bible where a similar thing happens. Next is of course the triangle of love of Jacob, Rachel, and Leah. I think that the story shows us that when GOD’s blue print for a family is modified by human intervention, things get pretty messy. The wives got jealous and envied each other. Later on, the eldest son slept with his father’s concubine. And, the children from the first wife hated their half brother. What a mess.

So much for the love stories. The bottom line is, I’m having a hard time now, trying to reconcile my understanding of what true love is all about, based on what I learned from the Bible, with what is happening in my life. I am struggling to reconcile my faith with the harsh reality of my love life and my weakness. Of course, you ought to seek companionship and not mere romance. Of course the most important thing in a man is his relationship with the LORD Jesus. I know all that. Yet, there’s a war inside my heart and my mind. And in my solitude, sometimes I break down. I do not know, yet, how to really move on from this love I’ve been in for almost two years now, because despite not consummated, the love stays rooted in my heart.

I’m just coping now. Perhaps, some day I can put it all behind me totally. Perhaps, it’s one of the stubborn things that just won’t go away. I don’t know. I just know that my stand is clear and it is with the LORD – even if it is sometimes painful.

Nobody’s Perfect, BUT Everybody Ought To Try

brokensp1r1t — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 17:49:54 +0000

“Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.” (Matthew 5:48)

*****

Lately, I learned that I used to see life like an alien. I was easily in awe at many things good and easily disillusioned at many things unpleasant. Well, not anymore. I guess growing up, aging, and experience have installed in me a more balance view towards life and people in general. When people do wonderful things, I do give them credits due. But, I won’t be surprised when the same people mess up. People are just people. Sometimes they get things right, sometimes they don’t. The greater the person, the less he messes up. But, no one is perfect.

This I’m saying not to justify any mistakes. When we’re wrong, we’re wrong. There will be no excuses. But, just as when I do a stupid mistake, I want people not to confine their views towards me on that one thing I don’t get right, but myself and what I’ve done as a whole; then, I think, everybody is hoping for the same thing. Forgiveness and a chance to rectify – we all want a second chance.

A few years ago, I could be very judgmental and condemning. I see things as black and white, without room for compassion, patience, and forgiveness. I didn’t try to understand why people did what they did. I was a Pharisee.

But, now that I’ve been through my fair share of difficult times when I could see that I am not immune to the very mistakes I used to condemn people for making, I can see that the challenge in life is that things can look like a mesh of threads and it’s no easy task to unravel them. Life can be that complicated.

The way the Lord Jesus Christ dealt with people is something I need to imitate. Although He wants us to forgive seventy-seven times, He also wants us to be perfect, as our heavenly Father is perfect. He went through the challenges and temptations that we humans face. He understands our imperfection and so He forgives each time. Yet, in His compassion, he is not giving up to make us more like Him either.

Oswald Chambers wrote sometime ago that when we’re well trained in harmonizing our minds with the Holy Spirit, we will see things the way GOD see things. What does not interest Him, will not interest us. Life will become simple. I guess, as Christians, we are shown what is right. But, perhaps, sometimes we work around it because we’re not harmonizing our minds with the Lord completely. We have parts of our life which we have not surrendered to Him. I have mine and I have to say that I’ve been struggling for some time now. Well, that is life. You can only get so many things right, but not everything.

Yet, the bar is set and it will not be lowered: Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

*****

Pride vs Wisdom

brokensp1r1t — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 18:33:07 +0000

“What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?” (James 4:1)

*****

I had a colleague who used to tell me that his grey shirt was blue. Everybody else was saying it was grey, but him. He wasn’t color blind. I guess, it was a matter of opinion and definition.

Once, I joined a leadership training and there was a session on effective communication. A game was played to illustrate how messages were transmitted and how the recipients actually perceived them. We were divided in groups, each with a leader. The facilitator gave each leader a picture to see and memorize. Afterwards, each leader must give instructions to his group members to draw the picture. Simple though it was, some groups didn’t get it right. They didn’t get the intended message. Some people say oval is round. Some people say square is rectangle. Some people draw a circle for an ellipse. Some people draw a rectangle for a square. Interpretation. Misinterpretation. Some things get lost in translation.

No wonder I find a group of my friends entangled in a rather negative misunderstanding with another group of my friends. The first have their own view and so do the second. But, they cannot understand (dare I say, they don’t try hard enough to understand) each other’s point of view. Discussion cannot bridge it, because each insists on the other taking their point of view instead. There is no way they can meet half way. In the end, they are all disappointed.

I understand them both, being a neutral and being a stubborn one myself. Each has a valid point. But each has a flawed argument as well. Had they tried to suspend their negativity to discuss and negotiate, perhaps they would have come up with a win-win solution.

I learn that one has to try to understand where other people are coming from. Otherwise, we’ll get stuck with our point of view – doesn’t matter if we’re right – and get disappointed because the other people just cannot understand and will not budge. I know that sometimes, there is no win-win solution because the other party is simply stubborn. But, we still need to understand their point of view simply for the sake of not having to be too upset because our expectation is not met.

Well, I guess it all comes down to pride. Sometimes, it’s difficult to accept that other people cannot see things the way we do. We won’t compromise because compromise feels like a defeat. How true what the Scripture says: Pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice.

For sure, it’s wisdom we ought to seek always and not quarrels.

Thorn in the flesh

brokensp1r1t — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 11:35:38 +0000

“…there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Corinthians 12:7-10)

*****

There are a lot of secular and religious clichés I could quote to appease my mind when faced with troubles. I could say, GOD is enough for me – when I feel so lonely and long for companionship and romance. I could say, all things that have beginnings have ends. I could say, c’est la vie. I could say, GOD will make everything beautiful in His time. I could say many wise things that I could think of.

But, there is always one thing that gets at me more than others. There is always one thing that weakens me more than others. There is always a thorn in my flesh that I plead to GOD to be rid of and yet He simply says: “My grace is sufficient for you.” And for me, that will be my longing to have a life partner, to find my Joshua man, and to have a big warm loving family I’ve always dreamed of. This desire leads me to temptations often times. Being a hybrid spiritual being, as a human, my spirit knows that GOD only can fill the void in my soul and longs for GOD and yet my heart and mind long for the visible companionship. Sometimes, relying on what you know – that GOD is with you and He is enough – can be a difficult struggle. Many times, I have fallen short of having been able to really live what I know about GOD. And, at my most broken moments, I come before Him, pleading to take the thorn away…

But, this is life as a Christian and a single woman. This is part of the cross I have to bear. This is the thorn I have to suffer, for the time being or even perhaps forever as GOD sees best in perfecting me for eternal life. There will be troubled nights with tears when I have to rely on what I know and believe about GOD and nothing else to be able to endure.

His grace is sufficient for me, even when I cannot feel that way…

*****

The Elephant Man

brokensp1r1t — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 12:05:27 +0000

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.” (Psalm 139:14)

*****

Think of what you see from the moment you open your eyes in the morning ’till you close your eyes at night. You look at yourself in the mirror and see that you’re not thin enough or not pretty enough. Then you switch on the TV and there you go: ad after ad displaying surreal perfection. On the outside. You go to work and join a meeting. There are always other people getting more appreciation, seem to be smarter, and basically you just don’t measure up. You start feeling that you need to prove something to everyone. Hey, you know what: I’ve been there.

Last Saturday, I went for my French class as usual and after class, I went to the mediatheque to see if there were any interesting movies I could borrow. Then, one DVD stuck out: The Elephant Man. I heard of him – Joseph Merrick – before. Or, did I read about him somewhere? I couldn’t remember. I decided to borrow the DVD. But, alas, when I tried to play it, the DVD had been scratched all over that my DVD player could not play it. I ended up browsing the net to read bits about him. This poem by Isaac Watts that he used to end his letters touched deep into my heart:

‘Tis true my form is something odd
But blaming me is blaming God.
Could I create myself a new,
I would not fail in pleasing you.
If I could reach from pole to pole
Or grasp the ocean with a span.
I would be measured by the soul
The mind’s the measure of the Man.

He was awfully looking. I have no idea what I would’ve done had I had the chance to see him in person. For sure, I wouldn’t know how to face life in his shoes. He was shunned by his people, and even his own father, examined as a scientific object, and abused. But, he had no bitterness in him. He managed to stay incorrupted by the hardship and ordeals, being a gentle and kind hearted person. Perhaps, when you’re left with no one but Jesus, you can see what you are and who you are in the eyes of the LORD – the beautiful soul inside, instead of the deformed image outside.

Today, we abuse ourselves trying to measure up to man standard. Looking after ourselves is never wrong. But, trying to be what the world defines as perfection is totally wrong. We’ll never measure up. Even world records get broken time and time again. Somebody will be smarter, prettier, more charming, etc etc. It never ends.

The truth is we are fearfully and wonderfully made for good purposes – GOD’s purposes. When we see ourselves through GOD’s eyes like Joseph Merrick, we’ll find peace.

Have you seen yourself through GOD’s eyes? Find Him and let Him show you who you really are.

*****

The Dragon and The Great Lion

brokensp1r1t — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 15:47:17 +0000

“Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.

Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.

Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.” (Psalm 51:7-10)

*****

I’m a bookworm. No, I’m a bookaholic. I read a lot, buy a lot, and pile them everywhere in my room. Some people settle for borrowing or downloading. I don’t. I need to collect them. And so, my bedroom has been full of books. It is my dream to have my own study or even a small library for all those books – when I finally have a house of my own.

I’m also easily distracted. That is why I can read several books in the same span of time. I juggle from one book to another. Therefore, it could take me a while to finish them. Only the great writers can make me finish their books in one go before I move on to the next ones. Those writers include Pramoedya Ananta Toer, Y.B. Mangunwijaya, J.R.R. Tolkien, Jack London, Leo Tolstoi, and C.S. Lewis.

I’m in the process of reading the Chronicles of Narnia now. I bought all seven books last year, went into the darkness of depression, and lost interest in reading among other things. But, since I’ve been well again, I’ve been continuing with the books. For the last few nights, I’ve been reading The Voyage of The Dawn Treader. Today, I got to the part where Eustace found a dragon’s lair and was turned into a dragon himself.

What got me pondering on that part of the story was how he was cured and returned to his human form. The Great Lion Aslan found him and took him to a well, where he asked Eustace to undress before he bathed in the well. He was a dragon. To undress means to peel of his skin. So, he scratched and a layer of his skin came off. But, still there was another layer of skin and another and another. It seemed like it would take forever before he could really undress himself. Then, Aslan told him that he must let Aslan undress him. So, Aslan tore deep into his skin and peeled it off.

I haven’t read the interpretation of the Chronicles of Narnia (I will make time for it later). But, this dragon episode has made me think about sin and redemption. I was once like Eustace the Dragon before I met Jesus. I lived in sin and led a sinful life. When Jesus found me, he peeled off my dragon skin – all my sins washed away. I could not do it myself, no matter how hard I tried to be freed from my sins. And as I bathed in the “well”, my spirit was returned to life. It’s pretty much the concept of being re-born as new creation in Christ!

Well, as the story continued, Eustace changed into a better person although he had relapses. That is just how Christian life is too. After I was redeemed, I did not all of a sudden reach Christ-likeness. I am continuously transformed and renewed. There are times when I also have my own relapses, but I am now a new creation and I belong to Jesus. He will always draw me to Him.

What a story. What a great mind. What a blessing from the Holy Spirit.

Have a bless week ahead!

*****

Pray for The Nations!

brokensp1r1t — Sun, 10 Aug 2008 15:00:22 +0000

“You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you.’ ” (2 Chronicles 20:17)

*****

Anyone who’s been willing to read entries on my blog will know how hopeless I am when it comes to waking up early in the morning. For me the sun rises at 8 AM (my country lies at the equator, by the way; that means the sun rises at 5.30 AM or around that every single day). Yeah, call me lazy or sluggard. I’ll take it on the chin. But, waking up early truly is a difficult thing for me to do.

…especially on weekends.

Today was no different. I woke up around 9 AM and remembered that I had to do my laundry. So, I got up to do my laundry and wash myself. After that – I don’t recall how – I found myself reading the Bible and was absorbed reading the Chronicles. I read about king Asa and Jehoshaphat, about how they set their hearts on the LORD, and about how GOD delivered them from troubles.

If only my country were like Judah in the time of King Jehoshaphat! The King was a Godly man and inquired of the LORD for matters concerning the state and the nation. He led the nation by example and brought his people to the LORD. Because of that, peace was on them and the LORD delivered them every time.

Living in a country where, according to the official statistic, only less than 10% of the population fears the true GOD, I’ve seen much injustice, corruption, collusion, and improper conducts by government officers and even the people who sit comfortably at the House of The People’s Representatives. Reading the papers or watching the news on TV can be really depressing. At some point, I ceased reading anything or watch anything other than sports, movies and musics.

I think this is a global phenomenon now that leaders of the nations in the world have become so less GOD fearing. I doubt any president or prime minister or king or queen still pray before deciding matters that will effect the whole nation and even the world. I will be elated to be proven wrong, but I can’t help being skeptical about this issue.

Well, common people like me, we cannot do much to change the world, doesn’t it seem so? The best we can do is putting the effort of living the life that is pleasing to the LORD… But perhaps, we can do one other little thing: Pray. Pray for our nations. Pray for our leaders. Pray for the people who give them advice. If the LORD could soften and harden the heart of Pharaoh in the days of Moses, He can definitely do the same with the current leaders of the nations. This is what I will try to do for my country and my nation: Pray.

GOD bless Indonesia!

*****

Day 40: Down from The Shepherd’s arm

brokensp1r1t — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 13:18:16 +0000

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9)

*****

07:00 AM – Life is about to resume

Life is real again. I cannot point out when exactly blood started to flow again and I no longer was a ‘zombie’. I feel again the whole rich types of emotions. I enjoy things. I deteste others. I get happy. I get sad. I get angry. The whole package. Yet, there is a significant difference now: Peace.

I get it now, why peace is a different word from happiness. One doesn’t necessarily have to be happy to experience peace. Peace comes in the knowledge and belief that there is always hope, despite what the circumstances are. How you can know and belief that – you need to come to GOD.

*****

01:00 PM – Praise and worship…and a cute praise and worship leader

It’s Friday and as usual time for the fellowship with brothers and sisters in Christ. Today, we have praise and worship service. And…the fellowship organizer invited a young and famous Christian singer-musician to lead the service. I’ve known him (not personally of course) for quite sometime. But, since his genre is not my favorite type, I do not know much about his musics or follow news about him. The young man (oh! I feel old!) is only 25 years old, comes from a Christian family, and has been serving the LORD in the field of musics for a long time.

Well, of course it is a value add when you see a cute guy with a guitar singing beautifully praises to the LORD. But, the songs he chose…they are a reflection of what I want to say to the LORD: that He is good, His blessings and grace are abundant, His deliverance is never late, His faithfulness is so great throughout my life, and I come to worship, bow down, and say unto Him that He is my GOD.

*****

07:00 PM – Time to walk hand in hand with the One

I remember a long time ago, one preacher told a story about the ancient custom of Jewish shepherds. Sheep are hopelessly clueless and easily straying animals. Time and time again, a shepherd needs to strike a sheep that goes astray so that it keeps walking on the right track with the rest of the company. The naughtier the sheep, the harder the strike and if needs be, the shepherd would actually break its leg. He prefers to carry the stubborn sheep in his arms and teach it a painful lesson that will keep it from going astray again.

Now, the LORD Jesus once said that He is the Good Shepherd and indeed He is. Did He strike me too? Yes, many times. Did He break my leg too? Yes, several times. The depression phases in my life were the time when He carried me in His arms. And, that is exactly what He’s done in the span of a year or so when I was broken down and I could not stand on my two feet – emotionally.

But, now it’s time for me to start walking on my two feet again. He’s healed me and made me strong again. Initially, when I realized that today was the last day of my 40 committed days with the LORD for a personal retreat and soul recovery, I became afraid. As I thought about all the people that I must face again and the issues to be resolved, which I have been postponing to attend to due to my emotional breakdown, I got scared. Would I be able to cope now? Would I be strong enough now? Would I be brave again now?

Well, I’ve always admired Joshua. In fact, I even asked the LORD that if He ever grants me the blessing of marriage, He gives me someone like Joshua, a strong character and leader who was a godly man. I always remember what he said to the Israelites: “…as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD.” But, I also remember what the LORD said to him when Moses died and he succeeded him. Yes, it is time to go out in the wild wild world and face its challenges. It is time to be courageous too, because the LORD will be with me until the end.

Thank You, LORD, for the past 40 days. Thank You for the healing and teaching. Thank You for the faithfulness. Glory be to You forever and ever. Amen!

*****

Day 39: What can come out of insecurity

brokensp1r1t — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 14:00:39 +0000

“There is surely a future hope for you,
and your hope will not be cut off.” (Proverbs 23:18 )

*****

07:00 AM – Fearing the unknown future

The power struggle in my department has made me secretly worried. Yes, honestly, I’ve also been feeling insecure. For reasons I do not know, my boss has not been outright honest to me about what he is really planning by promoting the two team leaders. The promotion announcement stated that they are to report to my boss, with matrix to me. But, there hasn’t been any clear direction from him. I do have responsibilities beyond heading the current section, which has helped me feeling a bit confident with my future in the company.

Still, I woke up thinking about what would become of me. I let worries creep into my mind and ended up fearing for my future and even doubting whether it would be safe to start buying a house on mortgage. I even thought of what to do to earn money and decided that writing the book I planned to write was even more significance with the current situation. On the other hand, I felt that I was capable of surviving the organizational changes in the company. I had an acknowledged project management skills and I had initiated many improvements for my section.

Well, in the end, I felt better in the knowledge that whatever will happen in the future, GOD will be there for me. He will provide and sustain me. My future is safe in His hands and my hope will not be cut off. After that, ideas for my job started to come out and the next thing I knew, I was well re-motivated! Praise the LORD!

*****

07.30 PM – Contently Busy

It’s been quite a busy day at work. Once you’re fired up, you can see many things that you can do to improve here and there. I really enjoy this. I put my ideas into initiatives and things are rolling on. It’s great! I am enjoying work again; something I hadn’t been able to do for the past year out of depression. May GOD bless my initiatives and help me focus at work.

Well, the last 39 days have been some of the best times in my life. It may not have the thrilling excitements of romance. It may not have the satisfied feeling of achievements. It may not be what the world considers as wonderful time! But, it is a wonderful time. Only in the understanding of the depth of my emotional problems will one know that this point, this very second in my life is definitely a wonderful time. I have peace now, even when I am not sure of what tomorrow brings.

And I owe it all to GOD.

Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen.

*****

Day 38: Team dynamics and Conflicts

brokensp1r1t — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 13:52:50 +0000

“I appeal to you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought.” (1 Corinthians 1:10)

*****

09:00 AM – Is it something that cannot be mended?

Holding a grudge. That’s what it is. I’m holding a grudge against a once-close friend of mine, well, I consider him so. Perhaps, he’s also holding a grudge against me. The trust is no longer there. Forgiveness and apology are considered a mere lip service. And even though we tried to make up, we kept misunderstanding each other and giving the wrong responses.

Well, perhaps, I just have to move on and concede that our relationship cannot be mended. Perhaps, I need to unlearn a few habits and reflexes related to our gone closeness. Things will never be the same, for sure, because everyone is unique and that is why doing the same thing with different people will most likely bring different emotional impacts.

Another thing will be to deal with the jealousy. Yes, I get jealous. It hurts to think that the very things we used to share, he will now share with other people. It hurts to think that he’s already moved on and forgot all about me, while I’m struggling to let go.

Oh, well. Perhaps, time will gradually erase the hurt feelings and someday we can be friends again.

*****

04:00 PM – There’s never a perfect smooth sailing

There has got to be team dynamics. I fully understand that. But, I just hate conflicts, bad communication, negative thinking, divisions.

It’s difficult to have a boss and one subordinate who likes to keep things between them. I know that it’s a sign of insecurity. My boss is, perhaps, feeling insecure by my initiatives that he thinks undermine his position in front of our director. Meanwhile, my subordinate is, perhaps, feeling insecure by the progress of two team leaders under me. I don’t know. When you don’t openly communicate things, you cannot have trust. When team members do not trust each other, the team will be disintegrated because everyone is going his own way. When the team is disintegrated, it will not achieve their goals. This is like the division that happened in the early Church. Paul had to remind the Corinthians that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other.

Still, there are positives from this conflict. First, I have a chance to draft up a standard operation procedure to smoothen a certain process in my section, hence no more behind-back-whispering. Second, I now know whom I can trully depend on. Third, I have a chance to apply what I learned about conflict resolution. Fourth, the team learns to speak up their minds, communicate openly, and not to be afraid to have differences, but instead try to find a common ground.

Well, I have a lot to think for tomorrow. Sheesh. I was free until this afternoon. If they had come to me earlier, I would’ve finished the whole SOP.

Time to rest now and read some entertaining book.

*****